Nurse Burnout: The Beginning Of The Downward Spiral.

Come with me, back in time - back to the year the downward spiral of nurse burnout began to settle in. It started out as a whisper and then turned into a ROAR.

September 10, 2014:
I was severely depressed this morning.
I'm depressed because…

• I can't get Jack to poop on the potty and therefore I can't get him to preschool.

• I will be the primary breadwinner for my entire life.

• I can't seem to get a job I want. I honestly I don't think I want to be a nurse at all.

• I used to feel smart,  skilled and like I was one-of-a-kind. Now I just feel ordinary and unimportant. I am just a number.

• I'm stuck in my chosen profession because of my financial obligations.

Perhaps anything other than perfection in my life is unacceptable to me. Therefore, I am forever cursed to struggle with depression. I can't come to terms with all of this, and somehow find peace in my life like others do. I will forever struggle in this.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

September 19, 2014:
Got a great day planned to celebrate my birthday!
Just went for a 3-mile jog. Next up? A Thai massage, dinner, and a movie. Might get a new pair of running shoes too. Tomorrow I sing in a flash mob at the Prado.  With all this positive stuff about to happen,  why am I still sort of sick in the stomach like something isn't right? I am still thinking a lot about issues at work, but the nervousness lingers even when I'm not thinking about any of that.  Can't I just have one day of happiness?

September 21, 2014:
Anxious feelings about returning to work have dominated my day and led to feelings of depression. 
It feels so beyond my control. I can't get these feelings to go away. I feel  alone in my suffering... like there is no one to talk to or support me. And what's worse? When I'm alone, drowning in my sadness, somehow I still need to be a parent.

October 19, 2014:
I am working tomorrow. Although my last three shifts have been good and I've had four days off I have spent a lot of the day with a nervous stomach at the thought of having to go back tomorrow. This happens all too often. I don’t know how to make it go away. I need to find a way to fix this.

-Steady.Engine-